Trust Issues

I have been hurt – a lot. I’m not saying that to get sympathy, it’s just a matter of fact.

I was in a marriage where my fears were mocked. My hurts were evidence that I was crazy. My insecurities were ridiculed. These behaviors were a part of my everyday life.

I finally broke free of the man who was inflicting this abuse on me, but these hurts, fears, and insecurities only grew stronger. Some of the fears and insecurities had even increased. I was very low. Depressed.  A state in which I realize many women (and some men) have been.

Here’s what I did:

  • I jumped into another relationship.
  • I went out and got a full-time job..
  • I went out and got a new wardrobe to look more professional.
  • I stopped going to church.

Yeah, you see a pattern, don’t you? Well, unfortunately, I didn’t. I was still completely broken inside and blinded to these “outward” manifestations. Because here is what happened:  

  • I tried to control the relationship from beginning to end. I decided what we were going to do, when we were going to do them.
  • The work position I was in gave me the ability to be the boss, in my words, be bossy. I advised people how to be “their best” and do their jobs, whether they were volunteers or not.
  • For the first time, I wore the types of clothing that I wanted to wear. I didn’t have to ask for money or advice.
  • The people I had called friends were no longer friendly, so I avoided them. Besides they were not offering anything of value anymore.

I know, I know, I can hear your reactions already. But you must understand that my reactions were born out of self-preservation.  My fears caused me to trust no one. I had to do everything on my own. No one understood my pain, my hurts.

 

So, did I learn and change? Well, somewhat. But I am still learning, to be honest. Recently I think I finally understand the reasons for doing what I did. All of those things I struggled with were born out of the fact that I could trust no one. The only one I could rely on was myself. Of course as a believer, I know I should ALWAYS rely on God, but I was in a bad state. You see, in a way, I blamed God for all of it. I blamed Him for every fear, every insecurity, and mostly for a putting an abusive man in my life to begin with.

  It has been about six years and I am still struggling.

It is all about something that I just learned. It’s all about trust. Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? Just trust God. Yeah, well, when you have blamed Him for certain things, it is not easy. So my first order of business was to “own” my issues. God never “made me” do anything. And here is what I had/have to do:

  • Realize that God may have had me marry that man for a reason – HIS reason.
  • Realize that my way of solving problems just leads to more problems.
  • Own that my pains, insecurities, and hurts are real.
  • Understand that people in this world will always fail me.
  • See that the Lord created me, with all of those fears, and He loves me no matter what!
  • And finally, resign myself to the fact that HE ALONE is trustworthy and I NEVER have to fear with Him by my side.

So what now?

Well, I thank Him for the fact that:  

  • He loves me. “You are precious in my sight….and I love you.” (Isaiah 43:4)
  • That He created me. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)
  • That every fear and insecurity I have is an opportunity for Him to show Himself trustworthy. “…for power is perfected in weakness.”  (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
  • That He will never leave me or forsake me. “I am with you, even to the end of this age.” (Matthew 28:20); “I will not fail you or forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5)
  • And most importantly (right now), He will never mock or ridicule me EVER! “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”  (Psalm 147:3); “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

In order to qualm  my fears, I need to learn how to trust the ONLY ONE who is totally trustworthy. The moment I displace that trust, I begin to fear once more and I fall into the trap of self-destruction.

Please tell me I am not the only one with this problem! How are you getting past the fears you have in your own life?

 

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “Trust Issues

  1. I don’t have any answers. I feel the pain you are describing. I do appreciate the fact you opened up about your pain. I have to learn to own my pain, fear, and insecurities also. Thank you for sharing.

  2. This is a powerful piece. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I’m thankful for a safe marriage because I came out of an unsafe childhood. Even though God has healed me in very deep places, I find the trust issue something He keep revealing to me in layer after layer. After all He’s done for me, you’d think this struggle would not exist! My theory is now that I’m stronger and healed deeper, He wants to bring more of the distrust I pushed down to the surface so He can heal another layer. It was the Scriptures that got me through those first layers of trust issues, of fear, doubt, self-hatred. Many of the same ones you shared. He also met me in the quiet as I looked for Him. Where I am now still has that foundation of Scripture and grace and truth I learned, but in some ways it is also more real. Maybe because I now feel safe to admit just how much I struggle with trust. Maybe now I am safe enough in Him to have normal emotion and look to Him to deal with it. It’s funny to think this, but here is what is in my head. I think I’m finally safe enough to trust Him with the emotions of my trust issues. lol I think I understand your journey at some level. I wrote a book about my journey out of emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse called Soul Scents: Flourish (https://www.amazon.com/Soul-Scents-Flourish-Spiritual-Journey-ebook/dp/B01N0S6R15). Last week I was reading about what a soul really is, the deepest self, the whole self, the expression of the individual person. And I said, “Lord, really what I experienced was soul abuse, the damaging of the core person. It was an assault on the unique me, wasn’t it?”

    Thank you for sharing your journey. I’m pausing to pray for you and for C who commented before me. I know God is working in all of us, healing as we are able to be healed.

    This is such a great post.

  3. Yes I can relate to that about being in pain both physically and mentally! Been through a lot myself. Trusting God is not easy but I have chosen to do it. Guess I have come to realize that the Lord is Good and Worthy to be Praised No Matter what I am going through or FEELING. I admire your Strength to share this. I too am learning as I go forward with Forgiveness in my heart. May God bless you always and Guide Your Every Step as you Walk in the Light of the Lord! Love and Hugs along with Prayers Always for you my dear Sister Friend in the Lord!

  4. Thanks for sharing. I hope it helps someone. Sometimes the person we end up not trusting is ourselves because of poor choices. I’m thankful that growth comes.

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