I have been hurt – a lot. I’m not saying that to get sympathy, it’s just a matter of fact.
I was in a marriage where my fears were mocked. My hurts were evidence that I was crazy. My insecurities were ridiculed. These behaviors were a part of my everyday life.
I finally broke free of the man who was inflicting this abuse on me, but these hurts, fears, and insecurities only grew stronger. Some of the fears and insecurities had even increased. I was very low. Depressed. A state in which I realize many women (and some men) have been.
Here’s what I did:
- I jumped into another relationship.
- I went out and got a full-time job..
- I went out and got a new wardrobe to look more professional.
- I stopped going to church.
Yeah, you see a pattern, don’t you? Well, unfortunately, I didn’t. I was still completely broken inside and blinded to these “outward” manifestations. Because here is what happened:
- I tried to control the relationship from beginning to end. I decided what we were going to do, when we were going to do them.
- The work position I was in gave me the ability to be the boss, in my words, be bossy. I advised people how to be “their best” and do their jobs, whether they were volunteers or not.
- For the first time, I wore the types of clothing that I wanted to wear. I didn’t have to ask for money or advice.
- The people I had called friends were no longer friendly, so I avoided them. Besides they were not offering anything of value anymore.
I know, I know, I can hear your reactions already. But you must understand that my reactions were born out of self-preservation. My fears caused me to trust no one. I had to do everything on my own. No one understood my pain, my hurts.
So, did I learn and change? Well, somewhat. But I am still learning, to be honest. Recently I think I finally understand the reasons for doing what I did. All of those things I struggled with were born out of the fact that I could trust no one. The only one I could rely on was myself. Of course as a believer, I know I should ALWAYS rely on God, but I was in a bad state. You see, in a way, I blamed God for all of it. I blamed Him for every fear, every insecurity, and mostly for a putting an abusive man in my life to begin with.
It has been about six years and I am still struggling.
It is all about something that I just learned. It’s all about trust. Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? Just trust God. Yeah, well, when you have blamed Him for certain things, it is not easy. So my first order of business was to “own” my issues. God never “made me” do anything. And here is what I had/have to do:
- Realize that God may have had me marry that man for a reason – HIS reason.
- Realize that my way of solving problems just leads to more problems.
- Own that my pains, insecurities, and hurts are real.
- Understand that people in this world will always fail me.
- See that the Lord created me, with all of those fears, and He loves me no matter what!
- And finally, resign myself to the fact that HE ALONE is trustworthy and I NEVER have to fear with Him by my side.
So what now?
Well, I thank Him for the fact that:
- He loves me. “You are precious in my sight….and I love you.” (Isaiah 43:4)
- That He created me. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)
- That every fear and insecurity I have is an opportunity for Him to show Himself trustworthy. “…for power is perfected in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
- That He will never leave me or forsake me. “I am with you, even to the end of this age.” (Matthew 28:20); “I will not fail you or forsake you.” (Joshua 1:5)
- And most importantly (right now), He will never mock or ridicule me EVER! “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3); “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
In order to qualm my fears, I need to learn how to trust the ONLY ONE who is totally trustworthy. The moment I displace that trust, I begin to fear once more and I fall into the trap of self-destruction.
Please tell me I am not the only one with this problem! How are you getting past the fears you have in your own life?